Undiscovered Secret

Have you ever discovered something that you weren't supposed to?

And once you did, it completely changed the way you once looked at things, places, people...etc


What are you supposed to do?

Sorry for being so vague, but I'm trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.

Actually that's not true, I cant write out all the gory details here, because I honestly don't know who reads this...

I discovered a secret about someone I know quite well.

If this secret had been about someone else, a stranger even I would be perfectly fine.

But, I guess because I know this person it changes how I view them.

When it honestly shouldn't in the grand scheme of things.

I guess all I can do is wait until things transpire on their own.

All I really know is I'm not saying a thing unless I have to.

THE ROOT OF IT ALL

Hey kids,

I know I said two posts ago that I would give an explanation for my rage aka getting my groove back....:)

So here it is........sorry to keep you waiting

It all started with a boy, and I know your thinking, well ktlemons, doesn't it always?

For me, the answer is a resounding NO!

The boy in question is a friend of mine, we were kind of friends in high school. I dated his friend, but I always had a petit crush on him.

Lame, I know.
Trust me I really do.

Flash forward to about two months ago, we have kept up since high school, and were really good friends. I would even go as far to say more, than friends( gasp!) in that we made out once, so therefore I'm officially marking us in that weird limbo place. You know, the friends that we had a thing with once, but nothing ever happened, so your tight now but there's still that time...


Well we decided to take the mature road on the whole-I-made-out-with-once-so-lets-move-on phase, and decided to talk about it. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!

Alright you guys, I haven't been completely honest with you so far, in my retelling of how I was magically received my mojo back...

I kind of, sorta, for a short time, might have, had feelings for this boy.....


I KNOW! I KNOW!!


The thing is he lives on the other side of the country that I am currently located on. And! I don't do long distance dating, and it was never, and is never going to happen.


Nevertheless, we decided to talk about that ill fated make-out-sesh*(*session)

Which fyi, it was horrible.Actually, it was beyond horrible and that's all I'm going to say about that.

So I'm stupidly going on about why I had felt/thought it was so horrible, when he starts agreeing with me.

That's when I mentally did a doubletake, why was it horrible for him?

I'm freaking ah-mazing, not to be overly conceited, but trust me kids and kiddettes, I, ktlemons, am AH-MAZE-ZING at making out.

So I asked the ill fated question...Why was it horrible for you?

To which the boy replied, "It was horrible for me, because I felt so guilty...I had started seeing this girl at school, but then there's you. The girl I have liked since high school, that I can say anything to..."


I hung up the phone.
Then I proceeded to ignore his calls for about two weeks.


When we finally spoke, and my anger had slightly cooled, I realized that he owed me no explanation.


We weren't together.


But, I had reacted like we were. I realized I had to let him go, so to speak. I needed to not talk to him for a while, because I needed to move on out of that weird limbo phase between friends and well, more than friends....


However, in the time since that-horrible-make-out-sesh, I had been mentally beating myself up about it. Mainly because I couldn't figure out why it had been so horrible. I mean all the proponents of a good make-out sesh were there. You know, built up anguish and hormones...woot!

Yet the fact that he had lied to me, or rather withheld the truth from his supposed "best friend/girl" pissed me off. I mean what the hell!!!


Thus the unbridled source of my rage.

Seriously, where does this boy get off thinking he can woo one girl one moment, then jet across the country only to make-out and demoralize another girl!!!

Thinking about the whole scenario right now pisses me off!


When did boys( I say boys instead of Men, because the guys I know and talk about in this blog are not MEN)get the idea that Women were this disposable?

I"M ON FIRE

Hello Universe!

It's me again...

Sorry for being so angry in my last post, but if you have a sibling then you might begin to understand my cause for such a blog....

Life has been non-stop school, work, and family.

I've been on top of my game, so to speak, and I even have time to flirt a bit.

Which currently, has been low on my totem pole of endless tasks, I call my life.

I'm glad its almost Christmas, but there's just something about the holidays that depresses me out every single year.

Which is equally depressing.

Now I don't want to be a sad sack here, but there's just something about the holidays that reminds people how alone they truly are.

Even though I have my family, friends, and my life, I still feel like there should be more. That I'm missing out on something....

Maybe that something is a someone...I don't know.

All I do know is that I'm suddenly aware of how lonely I have become. And that is not a jolly feeling for anyone...

Hopefully I will break free of this holiday funk and be back into my usual screw-the-world self! All in time for New Years!!

And you know what they say about New Years....

The way you spend New Years, is how you'll spend your whole year...

So universe, how do you think I'll be spending mine?

My sister is a bitch

Hello all...of no one

A little pessimistic for an opening, I know. But the way I see it, at least I'm honest here, and you've got love me for that.....right?

Moving on....

My sister is bitch. Now before you go off this page or jump to your own very, very deluded conclusions, let me at least explain the reason for that statement.

I love her to pieces, but she has got to be the most judgmental person I know, and she doesn't even realize it. at all.

Now you may be thinking well, kt lemons, how did you even get to this here place?!( and yes, my thoughts have a southern drawl to them)

Well, my dear no one, this has been a conclusion in the making. I guess, to answer my own southern conscience, I realized this back in high school.

She has always been very type A, and obsessive compulsive in the most controlling way imaginable, but it was endearing.

Kind of....like a mad scientist who obsesses over his clean white, white mice and loafers.

Makes very little sense, but you accept it anyway.

Well we were arguing over gods knows what, and I had this revelation of some sort.It must be so exhausting to live life the way she does. To have everything tightly contained in each little box, with the lid snapped completely shut, thank you very much.

To analyze and second guess every decision or mistake you make/made, no matter how menial in the grand scheme of things.

How can someone live their life like that?

To stand on the cliff of life, to afraid, or self conscious or indecisive to jump?! or not jump?!

It literally blows my brain.

How could you even begin to think, about living life like that??!

MOVE ALONG

Hello, all of you

I realize that it's been awhile since my last post but frankly I didn't have anything to post on.

Nevertheless, god I love that word/phrase. Never-the-less( said in pompous English voice, and when I say English, I really mean British)

As I was saying, I have a new job and so far its not as painstakingly boring as my last one was. THANK GOD!

I've finally found my footing at school, meaning I've started to get it together. For all two of you that read this blog, you know what I'm talking about.....or at least I hope you do....but for the rest of the kiddies that have just stumbled on this here blog, let me recap for vou....and yes I meant to type that.

School isn't hard for me per say, its that I lack the motivation to actually accomplish everything with desired results. I blame it mostly on my procrastination but that's not it in it's full entirety...

I had lost my drive, my need to succeed, my sheer determination.....whatever you want to call it...it was gone and it made school practically worthless. I wasn't doing the work, so what was the point?


WELL, now its back. I've got my mojo back. And it feels so good to actually feel empowering for once, to have control over my own life.

Yes, I know I had control before but honestly it didn't feel like that. I felt like I was aimlessly floating along, I had become one of those people who simply waits for life to happen to them... and let me be utterly frank when I say this....I am not one of those people.

Now, you might be wondering, well kt lemons what caused your mojo to come back? What changed for you?


The honest to god answer to all of that is I got pissed off.
I got so angry, and it felt so good to feel so strongly about something that I completely agreed with to the tee.( sorry bad golf reference)

My anger grew to empowerment and now I've got it back.


I know that's probably not the healthiest way to deal with things..or whatever bull shit thin your thinking to negate my previous ranting...but it works for me....and that's all that matters.


So what made me so angry?
The answer to that and more awaits you in my next post.
stay tuned.

7 things

Hello there...

It's come to my attention that however long I've had this blog for , I've yet to tell you a little about myself, you know, let you get to know me. So far all you received is the late night rantings that float around in my head and then expunge onto this here blog.

So here are 7 things about me, that you may or may not need/wish to know...but I'm sending out into the universe anyway...
1. I'm obsessed with blog's. Not just any blogs mind you, but there are certain blogs I absolutely have to read before I can even think of getting some shut eye. I realize that makes me mildly pathetic/lame but my reasoning is that its like reading a little bedtime story of some sort, only its online.
Here's just some of my fave's...
perezhilton
overheardinnewyork
slaves to fashion

2. I am brutally honest. I like to think of myself as one of those great, rare people who will always tell it to you straight regardless of well.....anything. Sometimes this can cause a bit of trouble for me, but in the end you cant argue with the truth.

3. I am a clothes whore. I live, breathe, eat, smell, clothes..well maybe not eat but I think you get the picture. I not only look at clothes online everyday but I work in a clothing store, and around other clothing stores. The majority of my money goes to clothes, and I literally could spend hours looking at clothes, reading about clothes...etc...

4. I have to read the labels on things. This is a little obsessive compulsive thing actually. When I buy something, it could be toothpaste or a cashmere sweater, I have to read the label. And I'm talking about the entire label.

5. I hate children. I honestly dislike children, albeit there are some really cute kids out there but the majority of kids annoy the hell out of me. Just today I was shopping with my madre and these kids were running around the store yanking things off shelves, screaming, chanting mommy at an ungodly decibel and creating an all around ruckus. I realize that this makes me similar to an old Jewish man but god those kids were annoying.

6.My favorite book is The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Please read this fantastic, enlightening book. It is one of those books that makes you feel all the emotions of the characters, my heart literally ached for these characters. When I finished it , I turned it over and started reading it again...its that good.

7. My idea of perfect day would be to wake up late on a Sunday, which would mean I had off from work :)! I would walk into my kitchen and there would be hot pancakes and fresh cantaloupe waiting for me and Jack Johnson would be playing from an ipod in the background. I would curl up with the comics in a little nook and just let the sun's rays bask over my perfect day.

your that girl

Hello...for all two of you that actually read this blog,sorry that its been awhile.
I've just been working like the rent is due...
Speaking of work, whilst I was there the other day wanting to slit my wrists over how excruciatingly boring it was, one of my co-workers and I got into a conversation of how I am when I date.

Now before I launch into a metaphysical explanation of my inner psyche, and past hopes, dreams & schemes...let me just state for the record that most people my age, the 16-25 set, view dating as liking somebody, telling that somebody, then asking that somebody to be your boyfriend/girlfriend.
I don't know if I missed the memo on that one, but that is not how I view dating....at all. I like to go on dates to places ,not go chill on someones couch, which may or may not lead to making out. I want to get to know the person, spend some quality time together..I guess that makes me old fashioned..so kudos to my parents for that!

So when I began having a relationship-ish conversation with my co-worker, they probably didn't understand my unusual views on dating. All they knew was that I had high standards, which I do. Now I know you might be thinking that I have an inflated ego and think I'm hot shit. And I'm not saying that I don't think that I'm not attractive, because I do. But I also don't think men should bow down and worship my hottness when I enter a room.

My whole thing about dating is I'm not willing to settle. I feel like so many of my friends, and generally stories that I encounter from other women is that most women date either one of this guys;
1. The Nice Guy- This is the first guy in this women's life that is one of those truly nice,sweet guys. the type of guy that would never forget your birthday, the guy that will always remember to put the toilet seat down. The downside to this guy is that he will always put you before anything else, which in theory sounds good but in actuality,it just means he's a complete pushover.

2. The Popular Guy- This guy is the guy you wished you had dated in High school. He is the guy that everyone flocks, he always has people hanging on to his every word, and there's constantly a knit of people surrounding him. The downside to this guy varies but the main factor is he is constantly putting on a show. He will never really let his guard down around you, and although he is fun to be around, ultimately its not really "him" that you like, its the way he makes you feel.

3.The Boyfriend- This guy is your boyfriend from high school, college, grad school, whatever institution you have left behind high and dry. He has spent countless hours, times with you, your family and your friends and has earned brownie points over the years. He is the guy that knows you and appreciates you for..well you. The downside to this guy is that its the "old" you that he knows so well. While you were off preparing yourself for a new career, school, whatever he was so in tune with the old routine of things that he conveniently forgot to notice that you had completely changed. You want to stay with him because you think you both can grow together as a couple. But the sad truth is your waaaaay past that point, you've changed and he wont be able to adjust because he is wearing "old you" vision glasses...at all times.

These are just some of the types of guys that I feel all the women I know get stuck into relationships with. Albeit, the reason some of these girls stay with those type of guys is they would rather stay with the guy you know rather than go out and find another guy.
I'm not willing to do any of that just to have a boyfriend. Frankly I find it a little sad and pathetic that more women aren't willing to be single and really try and find a great guy than just settle for whats presenting itself at that moment in time.

Now I'm not saying that I plan on waiting on forever and a half for mr.perferct, because I'm not. I'm waiting on someone worth waiting for, someone who is worth my time. I guess that makes me singular in my quest, or at least unique to my peers but nevertheless I'm sticking to my version of things.

just some food for thought...

I would like to think that people have something inside them that decides their choices for them, only it brought me to an earth-shattering question...do we really have free will?
Yes, we all have our own minds but if you start to think about an idea that you know is all yours, can your really find the very root of your idea? Or did you draw your source from elsewhere....

Sorry if I have just confounded you in the worst mind tangle possible, but I have come to the realization that nothing is original.

Everything stems from something.

Now when I say that I just had this realization, I dont mean that I suddenly had this great AH-hah! moment...
I just started thinking about what drives our thoughts,and do we really have control over them?

Is free will really up to us? or is it merely watered down ideas and versions of someone else's thoughts....hopes...aspirations.......

Or maybe all of us have the same thoughts...the same feelings
Its the individual that provides the reaction
People are pretty complex simplistic .......people.

kiwi a go-go

Hello again.....
This past week has been ruled by one thing,
that thing being my job. I'm currently a student and I also have a pretty demanding job
Its a job that shouldnt be demanding not even the smallest of regards, alas it still is.
My boss, is a complete nincompoop to say the very least, and everyone is forced to compensate for her sheer stupidity, proven utmostly at the simplest of tasks.
Let me role play for ya, just so you can truly get a better idea of what I deal with on a day-to-day basis;
Setting: brightly lit workplace, workers are are v.busy and working hard, the Boss is sitting at her desk with a very confused face, resembling a cross-eyed chipmunk if one had to speculate.....
Boss: I just got get( says this in an excruciatingly nauseating voice) why wont it send!!!??
Me: ( in an extremely confunded-at-her-stupidity voice) Because you haven't selected send...
Boss: ( in a higher pitched excruciatingly nauseating voice) Whaaaattt???!

KABLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry that was the sound of my brains hitting the tiled floor.

in other news....I had a fun weekend, I got to hang out with a friend that I haven't really hung out to much with, so it was good to bond some.....
I went laser-tagging ( I like to connect with my inner-Rambo) and chased hyperactive teenyboppers with my uber cool laser gun.
I dined in with some superb sushi, grazie a million times over to the chef; my little sister.
School is almost over and then I have more school
I will be docking in some extra edjuh-ma-kay-shun this summer
hopefully I will still find some time to pool it up..because honestly thats all ones summer should consist of....
wells sorry to cut you short on my life's happenin's but I do have homework*
ta ta for now


* by homework I really mean read Perez Hilton....
dont judge..you know its on your favorites too!

maybe a little green eyed?

hello ....
so I just want to point out that I hardly ever get jealous
and when I actually do, its usually taken quite a bit to get me there
For instance, when a guy that I'm currently dating tells me that he's going to go have lunch with his ex, I dont get jealous.
nope, nada, nil
I get even, so to say.
Now I know what your thinking...that I'm manipulative, vindicative....whatever.
The fact of the matter is if he wants to go out and have lunch with his ex, thats fine, who am I to judge or limit who he decides to spend his lunch hour with.
Maybe their friends, or planning a suprise party together, who knows?
I guess I'm comfortable enough with myself to not obsess over the what if's...
However....
Not to contradict myself and all..which is precisely what I'm about to do
here's the current situation
theres this guy that I'm friends with, and we've only recently started hanging out more frequently
and we are strictly friends as of now
At first I wasnt sure if I liked him in a more-than friends way but the more time I spend around him the more I think I want to be more than friends
here's the thing though, he treats me like one of the guys, and I have yet to receive any type of "vibe" to go off of
I explianed the situation to some of my friends, and they all think that he does in fact like me
and yes, I do realize how middle school that last sentence sounded.
So the other we were chatting via instant messaging...(how very You've Got Mail I know...)
and he tells me that he is taking a trip with this girl...which is fine
good for him! I hope they have a great time!
I wish I could genuinely mean that last statement but I am under the spell of the very green-eyed monster that is normally not a problem of mine
like at all...........
So what do I do..
well thanks for listening/reading
hopefully next time I'll have more to go on and henceforth share to you

show em what your made of

hello random person who has stumbled upon my blog,
sorry its been awhile
i wish i could say i was out living life
rather life was living me
each day become more about the hours, minutes, seconds
than what I was getting out of my day
I hope you understand my train of thought
I just feel like life is just a stream of gray days
days that blend into the next one, a single viusal display of blurriness
and ordinary

when i was kid, this isnt the grown-up life I had expected to lead
when is your life supposed to begin?

musings...

It is currently 4:09 a.m. and I’m still awake. I wouldn’t say wide awake, because truthfully I am so tired. I’m tired from so many things. Life tires me.

It shouldn’t be this way. I mean, I’m only 20 years old and life tires me? Not exactly the carpe diem lifestyle I wish to portray.

School is school. I go there, and sometimes I really try to listen and maybe even learn. But I feel like they’re not even really teaching, that they just like listening to themselves speak, or rather drone.

Is that really what higher learning is supposed to be?

I honestly feel more educated after watching the Discovery channel than a three hour lecture about seafloor spreading.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Its been drilled into our heads since we were young, naive, little things that out generation was going to change the world, or at least rock the boat a bit…

Our generation is like the fat kid at the playground.
No one really wants to play with him, or even really acknowledge its existence. Yet their forced to play along anyways.

Life should be more
We should want more out of life.
We need to quit settling and maybe take a note or two from our parents and rock the boat just a bit. Speak our minds, protest, exercise a little civil liberty, and most of all be active and passionate about something. Just some thing.