Maybe I just don't know

Hello kids,

So in my last post I was quite vague about the exact love-esque troubles that have been going on in my life, and the reason for that is, I have to be careful of who reads this here blog.

I started this blog to have an open space for my thoughts, feelings. etc besides my personal journal.

I thought maybe, if I put these words somewhere out into the universe, that maybe a random stranger would stumble upon them and have similar thoughts and conversation.

Yes, it all sounds incredibly naive now but my intentions have been for folly.

Because the people/person who reads this blog, are people I know.

People whom I know very well, lets just put it that way.

And although my initial intentions of publicly expressing my thoughts, etc was ideal for me, that has changed.

I realize now that you cannot have a sounding board without getting a little bit of sound in return. I will always get that echo. That feedback.

So readers, after two sporadic years of blogging this is my last post.

I'm not saying I won't start another blog, but perhaps I will take some time to reorganize how I view this particular spectrum.

Thank you, for listening and occasionally commenting.

Good-bye.

-ktlemons

WHAT is LOVE?

Baby, don't hurt me no more...

Sorry, couldn't resist.


Moving on past bad 80's love songs, to the real crux of my blog post here.

How do you know when you've truly fallen in love?

A stupid question at first glance but lets analyze it for a second. After the intial infuaction aka "honeymoon" stage wears off, and your left wondering who is this person you've been crazy about really is after the make-out sesh.....

Can you really define that as love?

Is love the defining of a solid relantionship? The cusp of romance?

Maybe we'll never be able to properly define love, until were head over heels, living a disney fairytale, smack dab in it.

Or hurt by it.


Hell, I don't know.

I guess my biggest question of all, is how do you define your one true great love?

Do you measure all your semi-intense relationships in order to determine the one you felt the most about?

Is it the one with your best friend?

Or the person who lights you on fire with one smoldering gaze in your direction?

Who is it?


Maybe I needed to ask all these questions in order to think about what I constitute love...

I think love is an individual decision.
An individual feeling.

That no one can take away, or diminish with words,actions or time.

That's real love.

finally

Hey kids-

Its me.


I don"t know if you've noticed that I've been feeling kind of lost in a sense. Well, read a few past blogs for my rudimentary explanation of such feelings.

Yet today, and really lately I've noticed a change within myself.

I'm happy.

I'm starting to live in those few precious moments when you could smile till your cheeks fall of, and you feel so full. Full, of emotion and words that all you can do is keep smiling and enjoying it.


I love these moments, when I can clearly see/feel/hear/ how happy I am.


And for the people who are making my life a series of smiles, laughs and sheepish grins at our own humility and embarrassment, thank you.

and lets keep it up.

I cant' wait until Jan.10th.

The ride

Listen to the ride by Cary Brothers.

I wish I could explain why.

Rug swept

Hello universe!

It's been awhile, that doesn't mean that you were far from my thoughts though...

Take that last statement as you please, but it's the truth.

I just didn't want to do yet another self-reflection post that could be construed as whining..

Yet this is where my mind is at, where my thoughts go, so...
Fuck it.


Here I go again...

Lately, and I can't quite pinpoint an exact time or location when I realized what I'm about to tell you/write you but I've been feeling like this ever since I relocated/moved..

I just haven't felt like myself.

I have felt like this introverted person, that is scared of everything. I have felt insecure and question my choices and who I am. I have felt extremely lonely for the first time in a long time. I have felt stuck.


I'm sure everything goes through this at some point in their life, frankly I know that these feelings and emotions are normal.

But I can't stop feeling this way.

I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.



That, I know is not right.
I have one life. I want to live and embrace my choices, no matter how wrong they are.

I want to be happy with myself.

I don't know what or when I began to doubt all that I am, but I am aware.
I am aware of my own lack of living in the moment, and I want to make a conscious change.


But how does one do that in a profound way to actually make a difference?

Without you, babe,

Hello universe....

Have you ever met someone at a certain time in your life and they changed you in some small way?

I mean, of course when you met them you probably didn't have such a realization. Yet, over the course of time and all that jazz, this person changed you. For better or worse, you be the decider on that..

I got to thinking the other, and yes this might have been a procured type of thinking brought upon by only the best of methods; drinking.

I used to think that all guys are asshole's. Whilst this is still true, I have learned to refine that statement. Almost all guys are asshole's, but I have been lucky enough to meet one true genuine guy.

This guy, is a friend and he has proved to me that there are still genuine, kind guy's out there, in this here universe.

Maybe I was jaded before, or a feminist, frankly I don't know nor do I think it matters. Fact is, this guy made me believe. He opened my eyes, and he did it without even knowing.

Which proves my point in my mind, which hell, is all that matters in the first place.

I hope that you readers, have been lucky enough to have someone unapologetic change your view for the better at least once.

Oh briony...

Hello-

So in reference to my last post, all zero of you who read it...

I mentioned that I hate liars and hypocrites, and as always, there is a story involved!

Yipee! Settle down kids...Settle.


Let me start at the beginning, so there won't be any confusion later on.

I am normally very vague(sweet alliteration y'all!) and don't give specific details at all, in order to have some semblance of anonymity for those that might stumble upon this here blog.


But, I'm throwing caution to the wind. Sort of.

And on that note, here goes nothing....

My best friend Posh has been my best friend for over seven years now, and while that may not seem long to some or all of you, it is to me. We have the type of friendship that can exist through inordinate amounts of time, we just pick up right where we left off.

And that's great. But, to me there's always been certain unspoken things. Now I can't say why, for any rhyme or reason in particular, its just something I think we both recognized.

Scratch that, it's because we/me was afraid of saying things that might end our friendship.

Why ruin a good thing, right?

Well, there comes a point in every relationship, when growth is needed.

How that growth enters the relationship is privy to the unknown atmosphere that is life, but c'est la vie.

In this case it was a guy. A guy that Posh had dated once upon a time, and that I consider/ed to be one of my truly good friends.

Seriously I would call him to move a dead body with me...not that that's a recreational hobby of mine.

Eep.

Anyways, Posh and I had always considered this guy, whom I'll call Tofu still had feelings in some aspect for Posh. Deluded girl thinking, I know but such is the way of us females...


Well Tofu and I had just gone through a huge row, and weren't on the best of terms..

When I hear from Posh, that Tofu confesses his love for her, and that she rebuffed him so to speak.

Hence confirming our previous deluded girl thinking.

Fast forward a month or two later...

Tofu and I were still not speaking( Yes, I happen to stew for awhile) and I decided to mend the fence of our friendship.

Then I hear that Tofu went to see Posh for her birthday.

FYI birthday's are kind of a big deal to us...

At the time I thought it was odd for Tofu to be visiting Posh after the whole love confession thing, but I thought it best not to put a damper in the slightest at the risk of one's birthday celebration.


When I called Posh on the night of the festivities to ask how things were going with Tofu, she said she'd have to tell me about it later..

My suspicions were on amber alert at this point.

The next day, Posh just said that Tofu got drunk and was really annoying and ruined her birthday, but wouldn't really go into detail because he was still there apparently.

I finally got the whole story from her when she came down for the summer and it blew my mind. Literally and figuratively.

To be continued........

don't blame the liars nor the soothsayers..

Hello all-

I am moving in about 8 days and while its extremely exciting, refreshing and all those other warm fuzzie( yes I intended to spell is that way) feelings that are associated with only good things...

It's also terrifying as hell, no pun intended.

As the days approach, and the boxes mount every available in what used to be "my" basement, I keep getting anxious.

And not for the reasons you might think.


You see, this move is the move.

the move to bigger and better things..

But what if, that doesn't happen?

What if I continue skating through my life, and I never accomplish a smidgen of the insurmountable list of things worth living for?

Don't you have an invisible life list, consisting of all the things and places you want to see and be, and hear and just exist amongst?

Well I do...

And, I guess my greatest fear is not doing a single one of those things..

That I will continue to push along through life in this ho-drum way, just waiting.

Waiting for life to happen to me.

On another note, I can't stand liars.

More on that later, I promise.

And they wonder why?

Hello...

Those close to me know that I'm guarded almost all the time...

I keep things I care about close to my heart.

I am fiercely protective of those I love, and trust me they are far and few between.

So in the off chance that I decide to divulge...

I always regret the almost decision to do so...

Am I even making any sense?

All I know is that I would hate to be one of those people who cries about everything. I think I view it as a sign of weakness...crying that is.

I guess I synchronize crying with opening up...Mainly because the one time I did open up; I cried.

I guess the experience of my own life has hardened my heart...

Its not just own event, or situation that made me this way.

It's me. I choose to close people off.

And I know why.

I don't want to rely on anyone. There are, and will be times in my life I am and will wish for someone to be there, just a hand to hold, a presence.

That's the choice I make. To be alone.

To be independent, even when I am in sheer desperados.

I know this blog hasn't made much sense, but this post was catharsis for me.

So thank you for letting it be this.

Even if I was terribly vague.

Doctor, Doctor! give me the news...

Hey all-

Just a quick update on my whole sickness...

I went to the Doctor, and I totally self-diagnosed myself.

So, I officially have tonsil stones.

Unfortunately, my new Doctor wants to try allergy meds and nasal rinse and salt water gargling to cure it...

Which I'll try..

But I know, its just going to come back.

So, I'll try this and wait and see.

After all, it would be nice to NOT have surgery.

In the meantime, its back to aloe laced tissues and werthers.

To err on the side of....

Hello all...


In regards to my last post, I did end up chopping off some of my hair.

LOL.

Yes, I laugh out loud to myself.


I chopped a whole whopping two inches off. WOO!

I will post pics as soon as my sis decides she wants to be nice and take some for me and I figure out how to post them on this here blog.


I am bit of a technophobe.

Which translated through the Kt lemons-ictionary, means that I am afraid/fearful of all things technologically advanced. It makes texting quite the adventureland.

Neways, to the crux of this post. I frequently get sick, most often with sore throats. Please, no "thats what she said" jokes. C'mon kids, get a grip.

Moving on, my sore throats always turn into strep or tonsillitis. Then I have to go on antibiotics..blah,blah, blah and I'm out of commission for at least two weeks on a diet of fisherman's wharf cough drops, which taste like ass, and chicken noodle soup.

Sadly this happens at least twice a year.

And it always comes back.

With a vengeance.

So two days ago, it started again. The sore throat, etc..etc. So on a whim, I decided to WebMD it. Mainly because I'm in between doctors right now. Which sounds like an interesting story, but its really not.

Anyhow, WebMD basically diagnosed with tonsil stones or tonsiliths. To which, there is no cure but to remove your tonsils surgically. Some people comented that changing their diet to a meatless one helped or taking allergy meds was helpful.

So I guess I'll try both...but I have a sinking feeling I'm going to need surgery.

Either way, I'm just glad to have a diagnosis of some sorts. Because the last couple of years of being improperly diagnosed and being pill popped were not fun.

Sorry if this post is kinda gross, I'm sure you didn't wake up today and say to yourself, " You know what, lets read about throat growths!".

Probably not.

Unless your into that sort of thing.

Which you probably are, only weirdo's read this blog.

Go figure. FML.


LOL.

I'm kidding.For the record, thank you to anyone, anywhere who reads this thing and tolerates my crazy talk. It's much appreciated.

Well adios kit kat's!

To chop or not to chop?

Hey kids....
so its been a while

Nevertheless, I have come to a life standstill, a foreboding question looms like a dark omnimous cloud over my days....


To chop or not to chop off my hair!


Its kind of long..it goes past my collarbone and it takes FOREVER to grow. But everyday I feel like its this scraggly,boring mess.

And then I get the strongest urge to play stylist and chop it all off. Its got to the point that I'm seriously considering short haircuts. And I mean short.


Anybody catch Mia Farrow's hair in Rosemary's Baby?
Yea-that short.


I know I'm just wishing for a change, and I'm not the most open person to change but its irking me to the point I'm willing to embark on an Edward Scissorhands-esque journey and I have a feeling that might not end with likable results...for anyone.




So readers..its now up to you!

What should I do??

Nobody said it was easy...

Hey

Well school is almost over. For that, I'm thankful. I honestly didn't think I could

take another month without some kind of break. My finals are this week, and I'm

silently freaking out. I've been busting my ass all semester, but you can never be too

certain, grade wise that is.


I guess the point of this whole rant, post..whatever...is that I'm scared.

I'm scared of not getting into Mason. Of staying here....

My sister got into VCU.


I'm even scared for her, what is to come and what will happen to us.


I guess I'm scared of the unknown.

The inevitable.


Sorry, I'm not trying to be all emo and crap.

I've just been thinking about the future.

No one ever really knows what will happen....to any of us.



I know I'm supposed to take solace in that, but I cant.
I'm the type of person that replays things over and over in my mind. I don't let go of things easily.

So here I am, at 3am pondering, stressing, ranting, thinking about things I cant control.


Hopefully I'm not the only one?

When was the last time you had trouble sleeping? And what did you do to finally get some sleep?

You know I love you till the moon's upside down

Hey all-

The post tile is a lyric from a Fiona Apple cover of a Cy Coleman song "Why try to

change me Now"... and its amazing.




Here's an amazing quote I found from another blog leloveimage.blogspot.com

"If she loves you, if she really loves you, you'll know it. If you can wake up to

her staring at you and it's not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the

shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk on the beach, and

not for B.O.,if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she drunkenly

calls you at four in the morning "to talk", if she laughs at your jokes when they're

funny and makes fun of you when they're not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with

Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were

closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she

loves you." Does she love you by Pasha Malla



I love that quote.
Oh!
and here's an awesome youtube video you have to check out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy0HNWto0UY

so maybe..

Hello again!

It's been awhile and I wish I could say I was out and about having crazy adventures of the sort but I was being responsible.

I was being an adult.

I know I make it sound like such a glib thing. But, being an adult is kinda a glib thing isn't it?

I constantly have to make sure I pick up after myself, pay bills on time, arrive early and stay late, day in and day out....

It never stops.

I guess that's why my Uncle used to always tell me to enjoy my kid moments, because as the french say being an adult le sucks.

I guess the whole point of this post is, where and when do we turn it off?

When do we stop being adults for two seconds and just enjoy life freely?

I like to think I have little moments each day that my kid self would be proud of...

Or at least not smirk at disapprovingly.


I know we all have to grow up sometime and take control of our lives and actions.

But maybe we can "un-grow up" a little bit too...

At least for a little while...

Get inspired!

Since today was such a perfect day for yours truly, you get a toofer.

Otherwise known as two-posts-in-one.

I know, get excited.

LOL.


Here is an amazing soundtrack/mix tape/ extravaganza that my friend Jeff made for me.I have been grooving out to it all day, and was feeling extremely generous so I'm going to share it with you!!

Music from&inspired by the Castle: Made by Jeffey:):)

1.One time too Many- Phoenix
2.I write Sin's not tragedies- Panic!
3. Goods- Meters of State
4.Nth Degree-Morningwood
5.I disappear- The Faint
6. Are you the one?- The Presets ( LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!)
7. Sexy results- Death from Above 1979 ( This has been on repeat all day :)
8. Snakes on a plane- Cobra Starship ( Oooh Samuel L.)
9.I don't feel like dancing- Scissor Sisters ( Oh but I do!)
10. You get what you give- LMC vs. New Radicals
11. Here In my Arms- Hellogoodbye
12. Say Say Say- Hitack
13. Jump for my love- Girls Aloud
14. Oh my gosh- Basement Jaxx
15.Love dont let me go- David Guetta
16. Every little thing she does is Magic- Ra


Myspace, Itunes, Limewire these songs.....

whatever just listen& repeat.


Your Welcome!

I don't feel like dancing

Hey all!

First of all, let me just say that I had the best day. today.

Yes, this is me speaking.

I can be positive....don't judge


Anywhooo....I had the best day today.

Because God, the big man upstairs decided to take pity o my poor cold soul and turn up the heat down here.

Thank you, and keep it up.

Sincerely, Katie Lemons.

Yes.

Yes, I just wrote God a letter in my blog.

get over it.




Speaking of getting over things....

I had a very unusual situation happen to me this week.

I met acute boy at a party.

No, that's not the unusual part!

Well, me being me, I completely forgot his name and to get his telephone number.

So I did what any teenager/adult-ish lady in my shoes does....

I facebooked.

Well I facebooked my friend to find out who he was, because lets face it I'm not that technologically savvy.

So as I waited with a bated breath for her response on the cute guy, I got this confusing response...

She did in fact know him.....and "they're talking"


but

I can facebook him.....if I want to.


I've never seen such a flagrant display of territorially marking since....I don't know the last time I tuned in for a little Discovery channel and I watched a black widow spindle her prey.

I mean that's exactly what she did.
She marked her territory.

And she did it so exquisitely, that if I do facebook him I will be in violation of girl code.

Because she had expressed her feelings, and I ignored them all to facebook a cute guy I had one conversation with.

Let me fill you in on some back story for this girl. She is a HUGE flirt. I mean she'll flirt with inanimate objects, girls, guys....it dont matter.

And that night was no different. I could visually see and count at least seven guys that she was "talking" to.

Cute guy?
Not so much.

So whats my game plan??


I'm gonna play it smart, alpha female style.

and stake it out.
gather information.

then I'll make my move.


This should be fun.


Currently listening to the Scissor Sister's, " I don't feel like dancing"

What do you think??

Hey guys-

This is basically a cop-out post but I promise I real one is coming soon with all the bit and vigor you've come to expect of me!

Basically I reworked my entire blog and I'm quite pleased with it....

but....

I wanna know what you think!


So if your liking/disliking the font, giant picture of my face, etc...

let me know...


Currently listening: Adele, Chasing Pavements

Something is seriously messed up here...

Hello all

So today is the day I chose to crack the whip on my taxes...well my Step dad chose to crack the whip and I, well watched.


Anyways, he's almost done with the whole gambit, and informs me that I owe our beloved and dear government money...the approximate amount 467.00$$

WTF!!!


If you haven't already guessed this was quite a shock to me, considering I've been paying this whore of a system quite a pretty penny for a year now.

I'm a student for chrissake!!

I know, I know, I shouldn't get my panties in a bunch over this, considering the amount I now have to shell out is going to pay for some rich senator's vacation "getaway" in the Hamptons....oh no

I think my anger or rather my extreme guttural resounding cry from the very depths of my soul that is currently screaming "THIS IS BULLSHIT!" is keeping me from sympathizing with those who actually have to pay a LOT more.


Then I notice it.
The mistake. This filthy whore of a government owes me now! Suck on that Senator Kerry! Enjoy the Jitney now sucka!!


Only I start thinking, really thinking about how our government is run.

If our government was any ordinary corporate or even a small run business they'd be completely S.O.L. right about now.

You know given the "recession"...

As a nation we are all about customer service, feedback, etc..
And lets just say our government sucks majorly on all those accounts.

I mean think about it, when was the last time the average citizen was truly heard?

My answer after snorting out a "never" is two to four years or whenever we decide to elect, delegate or appoint someone of "higher" calling to do it for us.

And by doing it for us, I mean expressing the issues that really affect every American in every household in the country.

Yes, Mr.newly elected-getting paid half a million dollars a year-to get jobs for blue collar workers in between schmoozing with oil big wigs- cheating on his wife with prostitutes or men-is really going to have MY best interest at heart....


Is anyone else's bullshit meter through the roof right now or is it just me???


I don't know...but the one thing I do know is that the supposed "Change" that's supposed to be happening right here in Washington is the same old lets spend "their" money to fix this nations problems because throwing money at a problem always solves it!

And by "their", I mean us. The average American citizen who works hard, pays their bills only to have 33% of it taken away...

Thirty Three Percent!


Oh but don't worry the 787 billion dollar stimulus plan that we will be paying for the next 30-or so years will definitely lighten the load tax wise....

And bring a "Change" to Washington.


All I know is at least in Africa no one tries to tax your mud hut.

Anti Stereo

Hello all,

I'ts offically wintertime and snowfall is ineveitable. Lately I've been feeling a bit lonely, like the cold weather was making me hibernate.

I really hate snow....

I hate the cold...

Yet I'm starting to welcome the change it brings from me. A couple months ago, I was coming unhinged so to speak. There's no explanation really...I just know I was.

I was going out, partying, spending money like an heiress who just got Daddy Warbucks and her inheritance all wrapped up in one singular present.

It was also 20 degree's warmer.

Now I look outside at the harsh winds, scarecrow branches and bundled up kids and think to myself."Nah, lets stay in bed with the flannel and onesie"

And, I do.

I really do.

I'd like to attribute my hermit behavior solely on the weather but I know it's me.




I've become my parents.




I retire at 9:30 p.m. on weekends.

I plan outings based on the savings I will reap.

I eat soup for all 3 meals.

I shout at the t.v. knowing full well that "they" cannot hear me

I change my clothes as soon as I get home. And by changing my clothes, I mean shedding my jeans and sweater for my onesie and slippers.

I'm actually starting to enjoy my hermit/old person behavior.
Maybe it means I'm growing up or I'm just becoming boring.

I'm sure I could blame this behavior on a number of things...ranging from the plausible to criminally insane.

Who knows?

For now or at least until the groundhog finally faces his shadow, I'm staying in with all my flannel and onesie glory.

Hear! Hear!

Currently listening to: Keane: Your Eye's Open

Resoultion Restitution?

Hello boys and girls and Happy New Year too!

How were my last minutes of 0-8?

Pretty good, I must say. I ended up staying in and partying with my best friend.

Next year is going to be the crazy one, because I'll be 21.

WOOT! WOOT!


So, I don't usually make New Years Resolutions because well, there always kind of lame. I almost never accomplish or even try to accomplish them. But there's something about this year that makes me want certain things for myself.

And even if I don't accomplish them or whatever, that maybe writing them for the world to see is a step in itself.

Something like that....

So here goes;

1. Learn to forgive.

I have always been the type of person who holds on to grudges, of every kind of nature. I'm not the type of person to forgive and forget...ever. This is something I kind of prided on because how often in life do people truly stick to their guns?

Never! Only it makes you/me the non-forgiving person look callous and well, petty. Because nine times out of ten, its over something petty.

I'm 20 years old and I need to learn to get over it. Whatever it may be.


2. Expand my circle.

I do practically the same things every day. I eat at the same restaurants, talk to the same people, shop at the same places... There's a point when it gets repetitive, when your life becomes a series of same....so to speak

And I'm sick of it.

I need to go to new places, meet new people, try new things, experience life a different way...

There's nothing wrong in knowing what you like but there becomes a point when your just repeating yourself...and frankly that's boring!

So I'm going to try...new things...

wow, I sound like Dr.Phil.....

bear with me here...


3. Be Healthy.

I go to bed anywhere from midnight to later on school nights, I don't eat proper meals at any set time, I never exercise, and sometimes I engage in illegal activities that cause me to have hangover's.....

None of this do I deem healthy behavior.

As a result, or so my parents think, I get sick about 4 times a year. And I mean sick. I literally have to go to the doctor and everything. It sucks.

And it needs to change.

As I'm writing this it's currently 11:58 pm, and I haven't even begun to get ready for sleep.

Clearly its going to be an uphill battle for these resolutions.

But that's whats so great about New Year's, you kind of get a do-over.

Its the one time all year that you can say to yourself, "lets change"


It's a re-soul-lution!

hey, I'm lame. But ya love it. :)


ps. This is a new thing I'm adding to this here blog....telling you what I'm listening to, because I think everyone should have a semblance of a soundtrack to their lives...

Currently listening to: Coldplay- the scientist