Saturday, December 26, 2009

Maybe I just don't know

Hello kids,

So in my last post I was quite vague about the exact love-esque troubles that have been going on in my life, and the reason for that is, I have to be careful of who reads this here blog.

I started this blog to have an open space for my thoughts, feelings. etc besides my personal journal.

I thought maybe, if I put these words somewhere out into the universe, that maybe a random stranger would stumble upon them and have similar thoughts and conversation.

Yes, it all sounds incredibly naive now but my intentions have been for folly.

Because the people/person who reads this blog, are people I know.

People whom I know very well, lets just put it that way.

And although my initial intentions of publicly expressing my thoughts, etc was ideal for me, that has changed.

I realize now that you cannot have a sounding board without getting a little bit of sound in return. I will always get that echo. That feedback.

So readers, after two sporadic years of blogging this is my last post.

I'm not saying I won't start another blog, but perhaps I will take some time to reorganize how I view this particular spectrum.

Thank you, for listening and occasionally commenting.



Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Baby, don't hurt me no more...

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Moving on past bad 80's love songs, to the real crux of my blog post here.

How do you know when you've truly fallen in love?

A stupid question at first glance but lets analyze it for a second. After the intial infuaction aka "honeymoon" stage wears off, and your left wondering who is this person you've been crazy about really is after the make-out sesh.....

Can you really define that as love?

Is love the defining of a solid relantionship? The cusp of romance?

Maybe we'll never be able to properly define love, until were head over heels, living a disney fairytale, smack dab in it.

Or hurt by it.

Hell, I don't know.

I guess my biggest question of all, is how do you define your one true great love?

Do you measure all your semi-intense relationships in order to determine the one you felt the most about?

Is it the one with your best friend?

Or the person who lights you on fire with one smoldering gaze in your direction?

Who is it?

Maybe I needed to ask all these questions in order to think about what I constitute love...

I think love is an individual decision.
An individual feeling.

That no one can take away, or diminish with words,actions or time.

That's real love.

Monday, December 14, 2009


Hey kids-

Its me.

I don"t know if you've noticed that I've been feeling kind of lost in a sense. Well, read a few past blogs for my rudimentary explanation of such feelings.

Yet today, and really lately I've noticed a change within myself.

I'm happy.

I'm starting to live in those few precious moments when you could smile till your cheeks fall of, and you feel so full. Full, of emotion and words that all you can do is keep smiling and enjoying it.

I love these moments, when I can clearly see/feel/hear/ how happy I am.

And for the people who are making my life a series of smiles, laughs and sheepish grins at our own humility and embarrassment, thank you.

and lets keep it up.

I cant' wait until Jan.10th.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The ride

Listen to the ride by Cary Brothers.

I wish I could explain why.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Rug swept

Hello universe!

It's been awhile, that doesn't mean that you were far from my thoughts though...

Take that last statement as you please, but it's the truth.

I just didn't want to do yet another self-reflection post that could be construed as whining..

Yet this is where my mind is at, where my thoughts go, so...
Fuck it.

Here I go again...

Lately, and I can't quite pinpoint an exact time or location when I realized what I'm about to tell you/write you but I've been feeling like this ever since I relocated/moved..

I just haven't felt like myself.

I have felt like this introverted person, that is scared of everything. I have felt insecure and question my choices and who I am. I have felt extremely lonely for the first time in a long time. I have felt stuck.

I'm sure everything goes through this at some point in their life, frankly I know that these feelings and emotions are normal.

But I can't stop feeling this way.

I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy.

That, I know is not right.
I have one life. I want to live and embrace my choices, no matter how wrong they are.

I want to be happy with myself.

I don't know what or when I began to doubt all that I am, but I am aware.
I am aware of my own lack of living in the moment, and I want to make a conscious change.

But how does one do that in a profound way to actually make a difference?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Without you, babe,

Hello universe....

Have you ever met someone at a certain time in your life and they changed you in some small way?

I mean, of course when you met them you probably didn't have such a realization. Yet, over the course of time and all that jazz, this person changed you. For better or worse, you be the decider on that..

I got to thinking the other, and yes this might have been a procured type of thinking brought upon by only the best of methods; drinking.

I used to think that all guys are asshole's. Whilst this is still true, I have learned to refine that statement. Almost all guys are asshole's, but I have been lucky enough to meet one true genuine guy.

This guy, is a friend and he has proved to me that there are still genuine, kind guy's out there, in this here universe.

Maybe I was jaded before, or a feminist, frankly I don't know nor do I think it matters. Fact is, this guy made me believe. He opened my eyes, and he did it without even knowing.

Which proves my point in my mind, which hell, is all that matters in the first place.

I hope that you readers, have been lucky enough to have someone unapologetic change your view for the better at least once.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Oh briony...


So in reference to my last post, all zero of you who read it...

I mentioned that I hate liars and hypocrites, and as always, there is a story involved!

Yipee! Settle down kids...Settle.

Let me start at the beginning, so there won't be any confusion later on.

I am normally very vague(sweet alliteration y'all!) and don't give specific details at all, in order to have some semblance of anonymity for those that might stumble upon this here blog.

But, I'm throwing caution to the wind. Sort of.

And on that note, here goes nothing....

My best friend Posh has been my best friend for over seven years now, and while that may not seem long to some or all of you, it is to me. We have the type of friendship that can exist through inordinate amounts of time, we just pick up right where we left off.

And that's great. But, to me there's always been certain unspoken things. Now I can't say why, for any rhyme or reason in particular, its just something I think we both recognized.

Scratch that, it's because we/me was afraid of saying things that might end our friendship.

Why ruin a good thing, right?

Well, there comes a point in every relationship, when growth is needed.

How that growth enters the relationship is privy to the unknown atmosphere that is life, but c'est la vie.

In this case it was a guy. A guy that Posh had dated once upon a time, and that I consider/ed to be one of my truly good friends.

Seriously I would call him to move a dead body with me...not that that's a recreational hobby of mine.


Anyways, Posh and I had always considered this guy, whom I'll call Tofu still had feelings in some aspect for Posh. Deluded girl thinking, I know but such is the way of us females...

Well Tofu and I had just gone through a huge row, and weren't on the best of terms..

When I hear from Posh, that Tofu confesses his love for her, and that she rebuffed him so to speak.

Hence confirming our previous deluded girl thinking.

Fast forward a month or two later...

Tofu and I were still not speaking( Yes, I happen to stew for awhile) and I decided to mend the fence of our friendship.

Then I hear that Tofu went to see Posh for her birthday.

FYI birthday's are kind of a big deal to us...

At the time I thought it was odd for Tofu to be visiting Posh after the whole love confession thing, but I thought it best not to put a damper in the slightest at the risk of one's birthday celebration.

When I called Posh on the night of the festivities to ask how things were going with Tofu, she said she'd have to tell me about it later..

My suspicions were on amber alert at this point.

The next day, Posh just said that Tofu got drunk and was really annoying and ruined her birthday, but wouldn't really go into detail because he was still there apparently.

I finally got the whole story from her when she came down for the summer and it blew my mind. Literally and figuratively.

To be continued........